


The Minister of Crocaganda

by Crewe



Category: Campaign (Podcast)
Genre: Crocs, Gen, Shenanigans, this fic is absurd and trash but i had fun writing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 08:47:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crewe/pseuds/Crewe
Summary: Zero wears a pair of crocs ironically, and to his horror prompts Blue to wear them unironically. When it becomes increasingly apparent that Blue doesn't realize the mistake he's making, Zero goes to great lengths to put an end to it.





	The Minister of Crocaganda

**Author's Note:**

> this is the dumbest thing ive ever written in my entire life but i hope you enjoy it
> 
> its all the fault of the campaign discord server, who brought up the cast wearing crocs and it spiralled into.... this

It all started with those stupid, no-good, _absurd_ novelty shoes, and frankly Zero regretted ever buying them to begin with.

 

But how could he resist? They were just… so awful, so unspeakably hideous, he couldn’t possibly _not_ buy them, just to see the look on everyone’s face when he came sliding into the conference room wearing electric blue crocs with high heels.

 

He never expected the chaos that would ensue.

 

Sure, it was funny when he sauntered in, followed by the ridiculous squeaking of the rubber shoes, and he got a laugh and rolled eyes out of Aava and a (carefully, but not totally masked) horrified look from Synox, but _Blue_.

 

Blue wasn’t paying attention at first, reading what looked like four scripts at once, but looked up at Aava’s laugh and turned to give Zero a quizzical look.

 

Zero posed, shooting Blue finger guns as he stuck one leg out comedically far.

 

“What do you think?”

 

Blue looked… confused. “Why in the world are you wearing those?”

 

“The real question, Blue, is why aren’t _you_ wearing them? They’re all the rage these days. All the cool kids are wearing them,” Zero said in the most over-the-top prima-donna voice he could muster. He pulled up a hair-flip emoji on his faceplate just for added effect.

 

Blue just blinked, went, “Huh,” in a considering voice, then went back to his scripts.

 

Zero plopped down in his chair, put his feet up on the table, and shot Aava a winky face. She rolled her eyes and snickered behind her hand.

 

After a few minutes Blue spontaneously dropped the scripts and got around to telling them why they were all there in the first place, and Zero thought the moment had passed.

 

\--

 

Everything had seemed normal for the next few days, until Zero wandered into the kitchen one morning to see Blue dressed impeccably in his usual uniform, with the sole exception of a pair of blue crocs sporting the image of a bright yellow cartoon character.

 

Zero stopped dead in his tracks.

 

There were only a few explanations for this:

 

One, Blue had decided to get in on the joke a few days too late, which was a little embarrassing but also sort of endearing, and the two would laugh about it over breakfast and then Blue would throw those abominations in the incinerator where they belong and they could never speak of them again.

 

Two, Blue’s fashion sense is _just that bad_ and he genuinely likes the shoes, in which case Zero can never be seen near him again.

 

Three, Blue didn’t realize Zero was joking the other day and has decided to wear them because he’s under the impression they are a legitimate fashion craze and he wants to stay on top of it.

 

Four, and the worst of all, Blue didn’t realize Zero was joking the other day, _and he likes the shoes_. In this case Zero could never be seen near him again, _and_ he might just drop dead of secondhand embarrassment.

 

Zero remembered the jeaster, and shuddered.

 

“Heeey, Blue,” he said finally, casually sauntering over to lean against the counter beside the caf machine Blue was standing over. “Nice, uh… nice shoes you got there.”

 

Blue looked up and beamed at him, with that just-caffeinated wide-eyed edge that Blue always got first thing in the morning. “Thanks, I had someone requisition a pair for me after what you said the other day--they’re actually quite comfortable, and I was surprised by the broad range of colors they had available! Mine aren’t as fancy as yours, but I like them a lot actually, they’re very cute, don’t you think?”

 

Zero didn’t answer for the several long seconds it took for him to process that this was actual real life, and then he let out a strangled, “Uh-huh. Gotta go!”, turned on his (sensible boot) heel, and speed-walked out of the room as fast as physically possible.

 

\--

 

Minutes later he found himself pacing agitatedly back and forth in front of Aava, reclining on her bed in a robe with a faintly annoyed look on her face.

 

“You don’t understand, Aava, he doesn’t _get it_. He’s not being ironic at all. He’s wearing them because he _likes_ them. He’s going to keep wearing them unless someone tells him and if I go in there and tell him I was joking and crocs are the greatest fashion sin this galaxy has ever seen I will die. Do you hear me, Aava? I will _die_ if I have to tell him.”

 

Aava rolled her eyes. “I don’t see the big deal, Zero. Personally, I think it’s hilarious. Let the boy embarrass himself for a few days until he realizes he’s being an idiot. It’ll be good for his ego.”

 

Zero rounded on her, gesticulating wildly with both arms. “I have to be seen with him! In public! Every day! _While he’s wearing them_!”

 

Aava cocked her head and considered that for a moment, then shrugged. “Then tell him.”

 

Zero groaned and dragged his hands down his helmet.

 

“And get out of my room, I was getting dressed,” Aava added, irritation coloring her voice.

 

Zero flipped her off as he stormed out, wondering desperately how he could salvage this situation.

 

\--

 

He didn't do anything at first, hoping that maybe the situation would sort itself out. Luckily, Blue had mostly sequestered himself in his office while he worked on the scripts for the next batch of Synox and Friends episodes, but every time he left to get more caf or yell at the editors Zero died a little more at the sight of the obnoxious blue-and-yellow rubber abominations on his feet.

 

He tried dropping hints, at first.

 

“Hey, Blue, aren’t you a little tired of those shoes?” he asked, painfully casually.

 

Blue shrugged. “No, actually, I think they go well with my uniform, and they’re more comfortable than regular work shoes.”

 

The next day he tried, over dinner, “Y’know the real fashion trend? Combat boots. It really gets the teen demographic.”

 

Blue looked at him disdainfully over his holo-display. “Aava told you to say that.”

 

Zero gaped at him and stammered out, “Wha--she did--she did _not_!”

 

Blue rolled his eyes with a, “Sure, Zero,” and went back to what he was doing.

 

Zero cornered him on the walk back to their quarters after a long day of watching Blue edit propo footage, asking him, “Don’t your feet feel weird after a while walking in rubber shoes?”

 

Blue laughed and waved him off with, “Don’t be silly, Zero. Of course I’m wearing socks with them.”

 

Zero practically choked and forced himself to keep walking like nothing happened.

 

\--

 

He gave up in despair after that.

 

He was about ready to resign himself to a life of humiliation via Minister Blue’s horrendous fashion sense when it somehow managed to get even worse.

 

Zero had to actually stop and make sure he wasn’t in a some kind of horrible fever dream when he walked into a room and spotted Synox talking to some stormtroopers while wearing a pair of crocs as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

 

Zero marched right over to him and stood glowering a foot away while Synox finished talking and dismissed the troopers, then slowly turned to look at him.

 

“Good morning, Agent Zero,” he says in that stiffly cheerful way of his, eyeing him uncomfortably as Zero leaned closer.

 

“Yeah, hey, Sy,” Zero said briskly. “Hey, uh, can I ask you a question?”

 

“Of course,” Synox said, tilting his head not unlike a curious dog. “What would you like to know?”

 

“Where the _hell_ did you get those shoes and why are you wearing them?” Zero asked urgently.

 

Synox blinked and looked down at his shoes. “Minister Blue gave them to me. He said they would attract the young adult demographic that Synox and Friends and the Junior Trooper program are not reaching,” he said like he’s reciting something.

 

Zero let out an agonized groan.

 

Synox frowned. “Are you alright, Agent Zero?”

 

Zero jabbed a finger in his face. “No, Sy, I am not okay. He has gone _too far_.”

 

“Er--”

 

“I have to fix this. I’m going to fix this. Later, Sy.”

 

Zero about-faced and strode off in the opposite direction, muttering to himself and leaving Synox to stare after him before shaking his head and leaving to attend to his own duties, squeaking faintly.

 

\--

 

He found Blue in his office, and when Zero burst in, Blue looked up and broke into a grin.

 

“Zero! Just the man I wanted to see!” he exclaimed, pushing back from his desk to rise to his feet.

 

Zero stopped short, caught off guard. “Uh, hey, Blue,” he said awkwardly. “And why is that?”

 

Blue walked over, slinging an arm around Zero’s neck and pulling him with him as he left the room, gesturing with his other arm. Zero reluctantly allowed it, still rather taken aback.

 

“I’ve had a great idea, Zero, and it’s all thanks to you.”

 

“Okay…” Zero said, suddenly filled with dread.

 

“You know who’s the most likely to be discontented with the Empire, Zero? Do you?” Blue continued on without waiting for a response, which is good because Zero was too busy being horrified as he realized where this is headed. “It’s young adults. Young people just coming into their own, filled with rebellion and seeing the Empire as their enemy. They need to see the Empire as a friendly face, relatable and approachable.”

 

“Isn’t that why they hired you?” Zero asked, gesturing to his… everything. If anyone in the Empire looked approachable it was Blue, for a certain measure of approachable that probably also included “punchable”.

 

Blue waved a hand dismissively. “Yes, of course, but the formula could be improved upon. And that’s where your idea comes in, Zero.” Blue pressed his other palm into Zero’s chest intently and grinned at him. “Fashion is the answer, Zero. I can reach them through their trends, show that I understand them.”

 

Zero’s stomach sunk as his worst fears came to fruition. “Blue, I don’t--”

 

“No, no, not another word, Zero,” Blue said, shaking his head. “You’ve done enough. I need to thank you. You’ve ushered in a new era of imperial propaganda.”

 

Zero had never been more grateful for his faceplate as he forces himself to project a smiley face to hide his true horror.

 

At the first opening, he slipped Blue’s grasp and ran off with a weak excuse of having to check on something in his room and went to find Aava.

 

\--

 

Aava wasn’t anymore sympathetic (and in fact found the entire situation even more hilarious than before, which Zero did _not_ appreciate), but she did let him sulk in her room for the rest of the afternoon.

 

“I have to stop this,” he moaned, laying face-down on her bed, his voice muffled by her comforter.

 

“Tell Blue it was a joke,” Aava said, bored after saying the same thing at least ten times in the past hour.

 

Zero groaned and flopped over onto his back. “You didn’t see him, Aava. He’s so thrilled by these kriffing shoes. I can’t do that to him. It’s too late.”

 

“Then I guess you’ll just have to let him go on film wearing crocs.”

 

“ _Unless_ …” Zero bolted upright, turning to Aava. “I have an idea.”

 

Aava gave him a wary look. “Zero, don’t do something stupid.”

 

“No, it’s a great idea. Thanks for listening, Aava, I gotta go!” Zero clambered to his feet and raced out of the room, waving to her over his shoulder.

 

\--

 

The first step was to track down Blue’s favorite requisition flunky. It wasn’t hard, considering Blue puts in some request to her at least three times a week and sometimes Zero has to intercept the ones he makes thirty-two hours into an editing session with nothing sustaining him but caf.

 

He cornered her just as she was filing the last handful of papers on her desk at the end of the day, dropping one hand on her desk and the other on the back of her chair, looming over her.

 

“Agent Zero!” she squeaked, jumping and leaning away from him. “Er, wh-what can I do for you? Does Minister Blue need something?”

 

“No, actually,” Zero said. “But he’s going to tell you that he needs something, and you’re going to tell him it’s impossible.”

 

The poor girl blanched. “I--I suppose if you say so,” she stuttered, grabbing the edge of her desk to avoid falling out of her chair as she leaned even farther away from him. Her eyes flicked to the hilt of his vibrosword over his shoulder. “W-what is he going to ask for?”

 

Zero stared her down long enough for her to be _utterly aware_ of the severity of what he asked, before finally saying, “... Crocs.”

 

She blinked. “C-crocs? Like, the shoes?”

 

Zero raised one hand to wave it. “Yes, the shoes! He’s already asked for a few pairs, right?” He paused long enough for her to nod before going on, “Make sure he doesn’t get _anymore_. Understand?”

 

She nodded again and when Zero didn’t move, blurted out, “I understand! No more crocs for Minister Blue, got it!”

 

Zero finally straightened up, satisfied. “Good. And make sure nobody else gets them for him, either, or I’ll be back for another _talk_.”

 

She squeaked and nodded frantically, and Zero retreated, leaving her to hyperventilate in peace.

 

Step one complete. Now for the important part.

 

\--

 

It’s easy enough to get into Blue’s room when he’s asleep. Zero has had to do it plenty of times in the past, to make sure he actually crashed when he was supposed to and also for the occasional prank. He never bothered to actually ask for the lock code because he could slice into the lock practically in his sleep at this point.

 

With the excuse of some nonsense question ready at hand in case Blue was awake, Zero slipped inside his room in the predawn hours of the next day. Blue, fortunately, was snoring away in his bed, tangled in his sheets and blissfully ignorant to the intruder. The dark was no obstacle to Zero, and he made short work of getting into Blue’s extensive closet, snatching the offending accessories, and stealing out of the room with barely a sound.

 

He stowed them in his room, under his mattress where nobody would think to look, until he had a free moment to incinerate the damn things. Then he went to bed, satisfied that he was off to a good start.

 

\--

 

The next morning, Zero was in an excellent mood as he strolled into the kitchen to find Blue pouting into a cup of caf.

 

“Morning,” he said brightly, getting his own cup and plopping down beside him, popping out his straw to cheerfully slurp at it.

 

“Hi, Zero,” Blue said, sounding distracted. He looked up from his caf and Zero offered a question mark on his faceplate.

 

“What’s up, pal?” he asked, kicking his feet up on the table.

 

“My shoes are missing,” Blue said, frowning. “I don’t know what happened to them--have you seen them?”

 

“What, your crocs?” Zero asked, feigning concern. “Where did you see them last?”

 

“Yeah, my crocs,” Blue said with painful sincerity. “I put them in my closet last night and they weren’t there this morning. Do you have any idea where they could’ve gone?”

 

Zero pretended to think about it for a bit before shrugging and shaking his head. “No, sorry. I’m sure they’ll turn up eventually--but even if they aren’t, it’s not _that_ big a deal, right? I mean, they’re not _that_ great.”

 

“Of course they are,” Blue said morosely. “But I appreciate you trying to cheer me up. You’re a good friend, Zero.”

 

Zero gritted his teeth and showed Blue a smiley face as he got up and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “No problem, Blue. I got something I gotta take care of, but I’ll see you later.”

 

Blue looked up, wide-eyed, grabbing his wrist. “Wait, what, where are you going? We need to film that propo later today, I need you to find my shoes!”

 

Zero took a deep breath and held up his hands appeasingly. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back. If I see your shoes, I’ll bring them to you, okay?”

 

Blue still didn’t look pleased, but he sighed and let go. “All right, all right. See you later.”

 

Zero shot him finger guns and walked off, speeding up as he turned the corner and headed back to his room to grab Blue’s crocs and make for the nearest trash chute.

 

\--

 

On his way back, he turned a corner and walked smack into Synox going the other way. He stepped back, blinking, and automatically looked down to see that, yep, Synox was wearing his crocs.

 

God, those kriffing _eyesores_ , he needed to get rid of them once and for all.

 

“Agent Zero, I wasn’t expecting to see you here, what are you doing in this area? Where’s Minister Blue?” Synox asked, looking over Zero’s shoulder as if he expected to see Blue appear out of midair.

 

Zero stopped short. “Oh, um… nothing and nowhere. I’m not up to anything, Sy, why would you think that?”

 

Synox frowned, looking suspicious. “Is something going on, Zer--”

 

Zero cut him off, pointing over Synox’s shoulder and yelling, “Whoa, Sy, what’s that over there!”

 

“What’s what?” Synox asked, turning to look.

 

Zero punched him hard in the back of the head, and as Synox doubles over, he shoved him over, grabbed the shoes off his feet, and sprinted off in the other direction.

 

When he came face to face with a pair of alarmed cadets, he jabbed a threatening finger at them, growling, “You saw _nothing_ ,” before turning the corner and racing off.

 

\--

 

“Zero, I love you, but if you burst into my room one more time--”

 

“I knocked Synox out and stole his shoes.”

 

Aava stops short and stares at him, then sighs and delicately facepalms. “I thought I told you not to do something stupid.”

 

“I panicked!”

 

“ _Zero_!”

 

“Look, just--I got rid of Blue’s shoes, but on my way back I ran into Sy, and he was suspicious, and I--I panicked, okay!” Zero gesticulated widely, Synox’s shoes still in hand.

 

Aava groaned. “Why did you have to drag me into this?”

 

“You’re the only sane person in this entire compound,” Zero pleaded. “Aava, what am I gonna say when Synox asks me why I attacked him?”

 

Aava shook her head, shrugging. “I don’t know, maybe you thought he was someone else?”

 

“I called him by _name_ , Aava, come on, I need something real!”

 

“Zero!” Aava reached up to clamp her hands on his shoulders. She is really deceptively strong, and Zero stopped to look down at her. “This has gone far enough. You need to just _tell Blue_ that the crocs were a joke, and they’re embarrassing, and he shouldn’t wear them on air.”

 

Zero whined. “But I don’t _wanna_.”

 

Aava gave him a flat, unamused look.

 

Zero let out a blustery sigh and lifted his arms helplessly. “Fine! I’ll tell him. But for the record, my plan _would_ have worked.”

 

“If you hadn’t attacked Synox.”

 

“I feel strongly about fashion, all right?”

 

Aava rolled her eyes and let him go with a final pat on the shoulder. “Go talk to your boy.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Zero grumped, turning to leave. “Thanks, Aava.”

 

“Mmhmm. Never step foot in my room without an invitation again.”

 

\--

 

“Zero!” Blue cried out the moment Zero turned the corner, sheepishly holding Synox’s crocs. “I was looking for--what’ve you got there?”

 

Zero held up the crocs, trying to figure out how to breach the topic of conversation.

 

“Are those Synox’s? How did you get those? Did you find mine?”

 

“Blue,” Zero says, holding up a hand to stop him as Blue strode over to inspect the shoes. “There’s something you need to know.”

 

Blue cocked his head curiously.

 

Zero took a deep breath. “Okay, so, you remember that day when I came in wearing crocs? And I told you that they were a hot new craze?”

 

Blue frowned, gesturing impatiently. “Yes, of course I remember, what’s your point?”

 

Zero made a frustrated sound, gesturing sharply with one hand. “Just, listen to me. Blue.” He put his hands on Blue’s shoulders, staring him in the face. Blue’s eyes found his behind the faceplate with not much difficulty after years of practice. “I was making a joke. Crocs aren’t actually cool. They are in fact the worst thing a human being--or anyone else, for that matter--can ever wear on their body. They are a sin in the eyes of fashion god. The only people that wear them are doing it as a joke or are terribly out of touch.”

 

Zero took a long breath as Blue just gaped at him, uncomprehending. “I’m sorry, Blue, but letting you go on air wearing crocs would be a betrayal of our relationship. I couldn’t do it. I broke into your room last night and threw them out. I also may have just punched out Synox and stole them. And threatened the requisition girl so she wouldn’t give you any more.”

 

He shrugged sheepishly. “I was just trying to look out for you, Blue.”

 

Blue looked at him in silence for a long time as Zero resisted the urge to squirm uncomfortably under his gaze, then squinted suspiciously. “... Are you playing a prank on me right now, Zero?”

 

Zero threw his hands up in the air with an explosive groan, whirling around and walking a few steps away. “I can’t believe you. I cannot believe you. Do you _seriously_ , _unironically_ think crocs are cool shoes?” He turned back around to face Blue, hands on his hips.

 

Blue looked at him, offended. “They were cute.”

 

Zero raised one hand to rest over his faceplate. “Blue, I will buy you a stuffed animal. Okay? I’ll get you something cute. But you can _never_ wear crocs again, or I will die. Can you promise to never, _ever_ put those insults to good taste on your feet again? For me?” He dropped his hand from his helmet and held it out to Blue entreatingly.

 

Blue gave him a long look, clearly still suspicious, then sighed. “Fine, I won’t wear them again.”

 

Zero sagged in relief, throwing an arm around Blue’s shoulders and squeezing him. “Good! Great! That’s great news. Thank you, Blue.”

 

“I don’t know why you decided to _steal_ my shoes,” he said, still pouting slightly. “You could have just told me you weren’t being serious.”

 

Zero sighed, shaking his head. “What can I say? You were so excited. I didn’t have the heart to burst your bubble. I _tried_ dropping hints.”

 

Blue snorted. “Sure, hints. No wonder we don’t rely on you to talk to people.”

 

Zero projected rolling eyes on his faceplate to make sure Blue got the point, then stops and frowns to himself. “I’m gonna have to apologize to Sy for hitting him, aren’t I?”

 

“Yes, probably,” Blue said easily. “And for stealing his shoes.”

 

“No, I’m not apologizing for that, I was doing him a favor,” Zero said dismissively, tossing the crocs into the trash can beside the caf machine. “But I’ll tell him I’m sorry next time I see him.”

 

“You can worry about that later,” Blue said, ducking out of Zero’s arm. “Right now I have film to shoot, and you’re coming with me.”

 

“Sure,” Zero said. “Whatever you want, Blue. As long as there are no more crocs.”

 

Blue laughed. “Sure, Zero. No more crocs.”

 

As Zero followed Blue out of the room, he sent Aava a thumbs-up over holo-chat and rolled his eyes at her smug response.

 

Whatever. It all worked out.

 

And he _never_ had to see a pair of crocs again.

 

 


End file.
